The trident method to making your race times seem better than they really are

Disappointed with mediocre race times? Harassed by co-workers after announcing that you were going to run sub 40 only to bomb out at 42:36? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, the Trident method could be for you.

When you think of a trident, you probably don't see any connection to posting more impressive times at your next race. After all tridents are heavy weapons! Look at the musculature on Poseidon for instance. It sure looks impressive, but it's dead weight as far as running's concerned. Of course you could always take advantage of that upper body strength and go around and stab every runner in the lead pack, thus rendering you a dead cert for 1st place. However, history has shown that 63% of people who try this wind up in a mental asylum, never to run again, so unless you're a problem gambler, the odds on this strategy aren't too great. My system, on the other hand, makes use of a metaphorical trident, which guarantees that you will receive more praise on your next race performance than ever before. If you take advantage of my buy it now discount offer, and send just $19.99 (US) to my Swiss bank account, I guarantee* that you will have swarms of the opposite sex hanging off your arm, begging you to tell them the story of your last race 'just one more time'.
*I do not actually guarantee this

Please note, if you have not already sent $19.99 to my account, you will be unable to read beyond the following section. My high tech online security robot will automatically track down your IP address, hack into your ISP's database and boot you from the network if you so much as scroll down past this message. Don't even try!

  
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  |HHHHH| |HHHHH|







The trident method: A three pronged attack
to ensure you will never be looked down on again

Prong #1: Play the illness card and play it early
One of the best ways to impress people with an unimpressive race time is to complain of
illness. Cold, flu, anaemia, lung infection, it doesn't matter, I've tried them all and they all
work like a charm. At the finish line make sure you burst into a coughing fit. If you do
this well enough, you will be rushed off to the med tent, which will significantly bolster your
case. The next day, walk feebly up to the person you're trying to impress and when they ask
you how the race went, announce that you only ran xx:xx, but that you were so sick it nearly
killed you. And then show them the pictures of you lying prone in the med tent for added
emphasis. If they do not immediately pronounce you a hero and exclaim that you would've
run 5 minutes faster if you'd hadn't been as sick, I will give you your money back*.
*I will not actually give you your money back

For the experts:

• Make sure you give a few clues before the race. Bring a hankerchief with you everywhere you go and do not ever remove it from your nose. Constantly make disgusting sniffling noises and cough wretchedly every 17 seconds (this has been proven to be the optimum period between coughs). Talk in a nasal tone.
• When you run past camera-men, put on the worst grimace you can summon up. Many a race-bragger has been tripped up by incriminating race photos. It helps if you lather some fake snot below your nose and use a slight touch of rouge to complete the picture.

Prong #2: Play the injury card and play it early
This approach is similar to the illness card, but instead of pretending you have a cold,
pretend you have an acute injury, which will greatly reduce the chances of you finishing the
race unless you have a tremendous pain threshold. You will almost certainly be lauded a hero
after finishing the race, and if you are a good enough actor, you may get an article written
about you in the Herald Sun the next day (improve your chances by calling up their offices
under a pseudonym).

The keys to this approach are the two Ss: selection and scenario.
Selection: Make sure you choose the right injury. 'A slight niggle on my left kneecap' is
unlikely to win you many admirers, but a 'stress reaction, which fractured in three places
during the race' will move people to tears at your bravery. However, keep in mind that the
more serious injuries require very good acting skills to pull off. You will be expected to cry
at the finish line with the latter injury, so either start conjuring up images of cute, adorable
puppies being ripped to shreds by a trident-wielding maniac, or carry an onion in your
waist-band. You will also have to keep a low profile with the more serious injuries, as some
people - we in the business call them DTs (Doubting Thomases) - seem to find it incredulous
that a broken leg could heal in time for the 5k race the next weekend.

Scenario: Once again, it pays to set the scene in the days before the race. Make sure you
put on a limp, whenever you are in sight of the people you want to impress. It's best if you
don't say anything - (gives you a reputation of stoicism), but if they don't notice, then slide
in the odd subtle remark. For example, you might say "Owww, my leg reaally, reaally hurts.
I think it's broken." Don't complain too much though, or else you'll simply be known as
'that guy who whinges all the time'.



Prong #3: Go on a bender (for males only):
If you're a hack like me, who will never make it onto the finishing podium, no matter how
hard I might train, there is one strategy that is guaranteed to work: dress up like a woman.
Males have a big advantage in running due to our higher testosterone levels, our lower body
fat and our bone structure, so it's high time we use it to our advantage. At any given
marathon, the leading female will probably be at least twenty minutes behind the leading
male. This is nothing against women, it is simply a physiological fact. So if you're the kind
of guy who is generally running at the same speed as the leading woman, you will generally
be languishing in the also ran category - fast, but not fast enough to win any hardware.
So in these days of equal-sized trophies for both sexes, the solution is to go transgender
for the morning.

For this strategy to work, you need quite long hair and the right clothes. Do not worry
about your facial features - many top level female athletes have quite...'manly'
characteristics, particularly when they are running at their VO2 max pace. Style your
hair in a pony tail, shave your legs and arms, and Tada: we have a winner! A mistake many
men make when they attempt this strategy is to over-emphasise the bosom. Many a
campaign has fallen short when a carefully placed orange has rolled out from under a
tanktop. It is best to simply not worry about this aspect of feminity, as you can simply
claim that high mileage has 'ironed out the bumps' (every time you use this phrase, you
must send another $5 to my account).

For the experts:

• Don't run too fast! The last thing you want to hear as you cross the line is: "...A new world record!!!!!!"
• Try not to speak. A masculine growl will quickly give the game up.

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Hehe. I don't think I'll be employing the last technique on Sunday, but I will take this opportunity to put forward some pre-excuses:P I've been feeling a bit sick this week - lacking in energy mainly. I think it's because I forgot to take my vitamins after my long run on Sunday. Am starting to feel better now though:). On the injury front, my achilles tendon is a bit sore, so that might slow things down too:P Apart from that though, I'm feeling pretty good. My legs have a bit of 'pop' in them, and I've been feeling stronger as the week goes on. Should be ready on Sunday.

I just read that the course has a few hills in it, so with that and the not feeling great, I'll be surprised if I do 1:24. I should get close though.